How are you?

Yesterday I was sitting at my computer knocking out a few administrative things I had been putting off all week. I was in the middle of writing up the record of my supervisory meeting when my phone went off. Instinctively I looked at the clock and saw it was dead on noon. Automatically I picked up my phone, unlocked it, and opened up my mood journal app. 

Last month I was finally evaluated at the hospital by a psychiatrist. I won't go into the details of the appointment, it was very much like any other kind of psychiatric evaluation. I was given some homework to keep a mood journal. I was to note down how I felt when I woke up and then to note when my mood changed and what was happening at the time to change it. This was a daunting prospect. I had been keeping a mood journal but I only noted my overall mood for the day. How was I going to remember to capture my mood when it changed? How would I know that it changed and why? I found a mood journal app for my phone and programmed it to remind me to capture my mood at least three times a day. Truth be told, I haven't been as consistent as I should have been but it was better than nothing.

I stared at the colourful capture screen. The feelings I could choose from ranged from "couldn't be worse" to "insanely great" with varying degrees in between. My thumb went to choose "okay" when I stopped.

Wait. Do I feel okay? What does okay actually feel like?

It occurred to me then that I had no idea how I was feeling. What's more, I realised I hadn't really thought about how I was feeling any of the times I had captured my mood data over the past month. I took a breath and really tried to focus. 

What am I feeling?

Nothing. I had no idea how I felt. 

I learned at an early age that when someone asks you how you are that they really don't want to hear the answer. It's just one of those social rituals we go through before we get to the "real" conversation. Consequently, we give very superficial responses:

How are you?

a. Okay.

b. Fine.

c. Could be better, but you know.

d. Good.

It's all rather meaningless. 

I began to realise as I stared at that screen that other than very strong emotions like anger, depression, or insane excitement, I really never knew how I was feeling. Most of the time I'm like an empty shell. I can act happy or engaged or interested but many times I'm just playing a part. I don't feel the accompanying emotion. I've learned to mimic but not the substance. I'm disconnected and because of this, it's very hard for me to have meaningful interactions. 

Now this isn't always the case. There are times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion (positive and negative) but I'm not sure I could actually name those emotions or describe them. It also depends on where I am in my mood cycle. I really feel like I'm at the numbest stage currently which is the time I feel least connected to how I'm feeling. And unfortunately, I'm way better at feeling and naming negative emotions than positive ones. In fact, since I began keeping the mood journal, I have never gone above "good" because I honestly don't know what that feels like beyond the two times I've felt manic (and even then, I'm not sure that was a good feeling; it was more disturbing).

I'm not sure what all of this means, and of course I have no idea how I feel about it. I think it's just something I will have to mention to the doctor when I turn in the data. Probably right after she asks me, "so how are you?"