That Thursday was a marathon day. I got back home and showered and got ready for my salon appointment. I found myself sitting at my desk at one point just staring off into that middle distance of nothingness. I had been sitting there, doing that, not thinking or feeling anything for about twenty minutes. I shrugged it off, even though that is very unusual for me when I'm not depressed (and I wasn't).
I went to the salon and nearly fell asleep while my stylist was washing my hair. I normally relish that time because she gives amazing scalp massages. Half way through my haircut I thought I was going to have to leave. The act of just sitting there began to feel like way too much for me to handle. It was as if in one moment someone had pulled the plug and any bit of energy I had was gone. I struggled through the rest of the appointment (seriously, how do you struggle just to sit still!?) and as I left I knew I couldn't make the walk home. Even though it was ten minutes, I physically couldn't do it.
There is a lovely coffee shop just around the corner from the salon. I went in and ordered a pot of tea and a sandwich. I thought that eating would possibly help and if that didn't the caffeine surely would. As I sat there I pulled out my Passion Planner and began to look at the rest of my day and week. I still had to go to special collections at the library to have a look at a collection for a project I agreed to help with. I had no idea how I would summon up enough spoons to walk there, look at the collection, and walk home.
One of the girls at the table next to me excused herself and asked if I was using a Passion Planner. She was really lovely and enthusiastic and we began talking about how great they are and how she had just graduated from DeMontfort and how she wasn't sure if she wanted to go right into the workforce or if she wanted to try to make a living off of some project ideas she had. It was a really lovely conversation. The kind of lovely conversation I seem to have periodically with strangers. It made me happy and for some reason I found just enough energy to make it to the library for my meeting.
The walk home was truly awful. By then I realised I wasn't sure I'd be able to cook myself dinner or do much of anything when I got home. I walked into my flat and forced myself to sit at my desk. That night I chopped vegetables while sitting at my desk. Standing was out of the question. I went to bed at 8:00 pm and slept the entire night.
That was over a week ago and the fatigue has not gotten much better. I've only had enough energy most days to simply exist. To make three meals, do laundry, wash dishes, and some days I can even shower. I summoned up enough strength to make it to Cambridge for a few days, something that had been in my calendar for at least a month. For the most part, while I was there, I didn't really spend a lot of time out, and if I did, I was sitting, trying to reserve energy. When I got back, I went right to sleep for three hours.
I haven't been able to do work of any real depth. I've been mentally fuzzy and confused. I haven't been to CrossFit in over a week even though I've wanted to go. The walk to get there is just too much let alone actually trying to do a WOD. Sleep hasn't helped. I sleep a full night and wake up exhausted. I've been eating healthy meals and have cut out a lot of junk food. I didn't start out depressed but my inability to do anything has led me to feeling depressed. After surfing the interwebs for possible answers and coming up with chronic fatigue syndrome, I decided to make an appointment with my GP. I'm hoping she'll be able to find a solution because at the moment, I literally feel a prisoner inside my own exhausted body.
