It's not Lupus (but it is chronic)

I've been doing fairly well the past few months since I last posted. It's for that reason that I really haven't written anything in this space. I didn't feel the need to chronicle the good moments, I was too busy living and enjoying them. Which, to be honest, is as it should be. The only downside to that is when the bad moments come up. When the dark fog rolls in and obscures everything but its own black haze. In those moments, being able to go back and read about the good times, might be a real road map out of that cloud.

This past week was a difficult one. I had finally gotten over the initial excitement (and yes sadness) of completing another big move and starting the next chapter of my life. Those transitional periods can be really exciting especially when you have no idea what to expect and you are learning a whole new city and creating a new lifestyle. I didn't really have time to "be depressed." I was too busy doing things and meeting people. This week though, was the first time since the move that I found myself settled. I wasn't distracted by wondering where the grocery store was or how to get to the library. My brain had quieted down. Then I got slammed out of no where with a severe bout of depression.

This may be odd, but I was so annoyed by it. It came up at an inconvenient time and for really no good reason. I was angry that my brain decided to sabotage my week like that without any sort of warning. Then it finally hit me. I have a chronic condition. It was the first time I understood my depression in those terms. It's not unlike someone with rheumatoid arthritis who has flare ups and has to deal with the expectation of pain on a more or less regular basis. This week I had a flare up. Thinking about it as a chronic illness somehow made it easier to weather. It was the first time that being depressed didn't feel like my fault. That is huge. 

I'm lucky that it didn't last a long as my normal bouts of depression and perhaps this new revelation had something to do with it. It made it easier to think in terms of illness and medication. The illness is depression and for me the medications are CrossFit, friends, and art. I made sure I went to the box, and while I didn't go the four times a week I'm trying to hold myself to, I did go three times and each day I went, I felt better. I got in touch with friends from home and chatted and I made plans to visit friends who are nearer. I also invested more time in my art journaling. I've decided to keep a PhD art journal and that has made a difference in how I'm approaching my project as well as giving me a much needed creative outlet. 

It can be so hard to find your way out of the fog but with practice you start to draw your own road map that you can keep in your back pocket.