For the first time I think ever, I have
begun to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m not sure what to attribute this
to. Is it CrossFit, CBT, becoming more vocal about causes I care about, being
successful in grad school? Are these the causes or the results of this new
feeling? I wonder if it can be a simple as cause and effect. Perhaps it’s a far
more organic process.
I think it may have started with CrossFit.
After six months I have begun to see and feel the physical changes that come
with being fit. I have more energy, I’m stronger, and I feel successful because
of the progress I have made. Becoming part of a community outside of grad
school has also helped immensely. I think too often it is easy to become
wrapped up in the small bubble of academia and you begin to forget about the
wider world. As I have been able to attend classes more regularly, I feel like my
progress has accelerated and I have felt even better. When I’m there, I am able
to focus on just what I am doing. I have no thoughts about the next assignment,
finding a job, or my personal relationships. It’s me and the WOD.
I started CBT (cognitive behavioural
therapy) a month or so ago. I’ll admit that I was dubious as first. I’ve done
therapy before and I found it less than useful. I remember speaking for an hour
about how awful I felt just to have the therapist say at the end, well I think
you’re making progress see you next week. Progress? I would raise my eyebrow a
la Skeptical Spock and walk out of the room. This has been different. CBT works
on identifying thought and behavioural patterns. Once you are aware of these
patterns you can begin to work on changing them. As a highly achievement
oriented individual, having assignments and goal posts has helped me a lot. I
think it has also appealed to my analytical and problem solving nature. Knowing
where my patterns came from, what they are, and having tools to combat them has
given me much more confidence in my ability to break them.
It was through CBT that I was able to
identify just when, where, and why I began to suffer from depression. Turns out
it had very little to do with me. It wasn’t because I was bad, awful, or
broken. It was because I have had some truly terrible people in my life who
told me I was those things. I started to believe them and VOILA! Depression,
anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-destructive cycling. Realising this has made
me want to fight against elements in society that promote negative feelings
especially against women. (The origins of my problem are rooted in being on the
receiving end of some misogynistic rhetoric and actions.) I recently wrote an
article describing the types of misogyny and sexual violence faced by women at
my university replete with tips on how to stop that kind of thing in its
tracks. I also took part in a study on a similar topic. Feeling that I am
helping to change hearts and minds has again given me much more confidence and
more than that, it has given me a goal. (Remember that achievement oriented
thing?)
Even in my darkest moments this past year,
I still managed to pull myself through enough to continue to achieve high marks
in grad school. When I first started, I desperately wanted to achieve a first.
It was the goal I set for myself and somehow I have managed to stay on track.
For someone who used to believe she was quite stupid, I’d say this is a pretty
great thing. I, like a lot of my friends suffer from imposter syndrome. When I
first was accepted at university, I really thought that they had sent me the
wrong email and that in a week or so I’d be getting a correction through the
post. Then when I got here, I felt like I was probably out of my depth, that I
was, well, an imposter. I think I’ve managed to shake that feeling finally. I’m
not here because of a mistake; I’m here because I deserve to be here.
The confidence I’ve gained over the past
month has been really amazing. I can’t point to one thing I’ve done or read to
say, “That’s it. That’s when I had the epiphany!” I think it has all been a
process. I vowed total all-out war on depression and anxiety and so far that
holistic approach seems to be working. I’m smart enough to know I’ll still have
setbacks and that those days will be tough. Those are the days that I’m going
to make sure I get to the box for a WOD, or the days where I take a really long
hike through some beautiful countryside, or the days when I take a look through
the CBT exercises I’ve done, or the days when I read one of my favourite books,
look at my marks, or write another article. I guess the point is, I’m not going
to lose hope again. I’ve got too many reasons not to.
