I was speaking to one of my closest friends
over Google Hangouts about trying to confront the anxiety and bouts of
depression I have fought with for the past thirteen years. Even as I type that
word “thirteen” I cannot quite comprehend the true length of time I have been
engaged in this battle. It’s a battle that has not gone without casualties. I
have lost people who I absolutely adored but who could not understand the daily
struggle I was going through. I also have battle scars. They are invisible and
visible; mental and emotional damage that I have tried to suppress beneath a
practiced layer of positivity and affirmation just as I have on occasion hidden
the physical scars beneath a layer of make-up. It is a very real fight this war
against myself. So as I mentioned the new tactics I was now employing he startled
me by suggesting I begin writing a blog about overcoming anxiety. There are few
occasions when I am truly stunned. I was truly stunned. I couldn’t imagine how
my story was any different from the thousands of those fighting their own wars.
I let the suggestion settle into my thoughts where it steadily ate away at my
doubts. Then this morning I began to feel the first pangs of a panic attack,
something I had gone without for about three weeks when it occurred to me:
write. Write, write, write. And so I began to write this. My first blog entry
for Finding the Wall.
I suppose I should explain the title of
this blog. As part of my total war on anxiety and depression, I began doing
CrossFit five months ago. I was never one to work out in any sense before then;
walking to and from lectures was more than enough physical exertion for me. A
friend managed to convince me to give it at least two weeks and I was hooked
after one class. There is a movement in CrossFit called Hand Stand Press Ups.
It’s very much how you would imagine it. You do a handstand against the wall
and then do press ups, your head touching the mat then your arms extending
fully. I hate being upside down. It’s
uncomfortable and I don’t feel in control of my body. The biggest problem I
have had though was what my coach kept referring to as finding the wall. You have to go for the handstand and find the
wall with your legs and trust that it
will be there. The trouble is I don’t trust that it is there. I am put off by
the uncertainty of whether or not it is there. I am put off by the uncertainty
that if I ever do find the wall, I won’t be able to support my weight with my
arms or that I won’t know what to do once I’m there. Uncertainty. That’s really
what anxiety is all about. It’s about not knowing and that not knowing then
eats at you. It erodes your confidence, your stability, and you’re left with
that painful hollow stomach feeling.
I haven’t found the wall yet; not in
CrossFit and not in life but I am determined to do it. This is my journey to
the wall.
